Calico Creations

It was a tough journey...Today I had to let go.
I think my emotions are pretty much in a big ball and it's ending up as leaving me emotionless. If anything, I'm depressed a bit. Well...A bit more than a bit. But I've been trying to calm my nerves and relax a bit. I feel better. I know it only happened a few hours ago, but I think I'll be alright.

My tummy is in knots, my head is pounding. I lost my dinner. I'll try not to loose my marbles.


He was my best friend. Sometimes, he was all that I had.

I sometimes think "well, if I never got him..I never would have been in this pickle"...If I never got him, I would have never danced THIS dance in life. I would have missed out on all the fun.


Monday, he started to seem like he was cramping up on the inside or something. He huddled really close to the ground and fell asleep...then woke up. This was just a habit that he started when he first got sick. I just thought it was a bad day and gave a little prayer and waited it out.

Tuesday, he continued this habit but decided he didn't want to eat much. He stopped drinking pretty much everything. His breathing started to get a little more shallow than usual. I had hopes that this was just another bad day and it would pass. I could still pet him and get him to a raspy purr at this point..so I prayed again and hoped for the best.

Today, he wouldn't touch his food. He wouldn't eat his meat..He wouldn't even eat chicken or lunch meat out of my hand. He wanted to be huddled even closer to the ground, neck stretched way out and his front paws somewhat sprawled forward. His breathing was terribly quick and shallow. He looked like he hadn't slept at all. His eyes were wide open all the time - he wouldn't even dare to close them. It took me about 10 minutes to even find him this morning. He didn't look so well then. My dad tried to hold him for a little while, he couldn't seem to hold his head up on his own. He rested his head in my dad's hand and closed his eyes for a few minutes...then he hopped down and went into the same position as I mentioned before.

When I was at school, this was all I could think. I couldn't walk even -- I fell flat on my face when I was walking into school. >.< I think I have glass or metal in my hand from that.

I told ma to give me a call if anything happened. The way that he was doing when I left, I almost thought that I wouldn't be able to see him when I got home.

I got out of school..went to gram's like I usually do on wednesdays and I talked to her a bit. I felt kind of down and out about everything..the whole time I'm thinking "How's he doing..he's just a few blocks away but right now my priority is waiting until grandpa gets home"...I was a little worried, a little upset...but gram's pretty good for getting me to feel better.

I talked to her about I dream I had last night...I always seem to have dreams with my other cat, Vickey, who passed away about a year ago now..Or was it two? I can't remember..My brain is jumbled. I'll remember then edit this if I feel like it..
Anyways....It was just a weird dream that I had...I was pretty upset..She seemed kind of sick...then her tongue fell out. Then I woke up. Mind you..this dream happened at a point between 7:45 and 8:02..I killed one alarm and reset the other to snooze for a bit. She told me that dreams can mean things..and this one may just mean that it really is time to let go. We don't know about the tongue falling out part...but I guess it all means just the same..

Anyways..So I got a call from my dad when I was at gram's house..He said pretty much that it's time and wanted to talk about it when I got home.
I was upset even moreso at this point..But I waited until grandpa came home..then I left as soon as possible.

We made the decision pretty quick..Pooks didn't seem like he had the strength to lift his head..I couldn't get him to even give a faint purr.. It was pretty sad. At this point I knew it was the right decision.

We called around and it turned out that we needed to go to the emergency clinic...so we did. We decided not to be in the room with him..
I gave him my goodbyes..I gave him a look square in the face..and I'll never forget his googley eyes looking back into mine for a good solid minute. I can gurantee you that will be my next painting. It might actually bring me some closure.
Anyways..I said goodbye to him..let the lady know that I was ready..then she came in the room..he gave me a pretty sad look and the lady said that she would take good care of him..she picked him up..he meowed..I briskly walked out of the room into the other.. My dad was pretty upset..he was choked up and crying too at this point. I stood in the room for about 2 seconds..I started to sob...he gave me a hug..then all I could hear was Pooks just howl-meowing. I knew he was in pain. My dad said We should go now..Or something like that..And I ran out of the building. I stood in the cold..took a deep breath and sobbed really loud for about a minute.. I think it hurt more to let him go like than than it ever would.. I calmed myself down..I didn't cry all the way home..I was pretty quiet. When we started to turn the corner near my house, I had a few huge big teardrops fall down. That whole time...I was pretty much just thinking that I didn't even want to come home. I didn't know what to do with myself on the ride home.

When I got home, I just sat for a few minutes..I called Gary..he passed on the word. I talked to a few of my friends. I relaxed a lot. I did my homework and then I started to type on here...

My dad came up here before he left to shoot pool with Mark. He said that he happened to notice that his poo was black...which is a sign of blood in his tummy or something... I guess this is possibly the very last trigger to it all. He was doing so well. It may have been the medication, the food, the anything, really. He might have been internally bleeding from all of that..OR it could have been a sign that something happened with his tumor *that is, if what was in his x-rays was a tumor...we didn't know.*
Anyways..With that in mind, it made me feel better about the decision too. I knew that I did everything I possibly could. This was the last bit and it was beyond my control. There was no turning back now. I feel ok at this point. I still just feel a huge loss.

I feel relieved that he's not hurting anymore. I know it's been a really hard journey for him. One thing on top of another..It's been tough. I really had thought that he may have been able to make it through the holidays. Or something. I don't know. I just prayed for the best.

It's hard when someone so special is your everything..and you need to let everything go.

I'll be doing alright...just gotta keep my marbles up there and stop dropping them everywhere. If I drop my marbles, I fall on my face. I figured that one out earlier. It hurts, too. It's like God's little "HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE" type of moment. Your marbles fall out of your head and God says "GO PICK THEM UP" and makes you fall on your face.




This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all the time that I have been able to spend with Pooks. I'm thankful for my father saving him from getting squashed under a tire when he was a kitten. I'm thankful for every single moment that we've shared together. Each time we shared sitting on a chair. Every meal we spent together. Every bit of my meal I snuck to him. Every time that he knocked over the garbage can and I got yelled at for it. During the end of his life, I'm thankful for all of the support that I had from friends, family and all members of the online communities that helped me emotionally and financially with his exams, x-rays and checkups.

I'm thankful for having him in my life.



~Ne me mori facias~
~Steph~